Conflict is Inevitable in Marriage- No Pain? No Gain!

Conflict is Inevitable in Marriage- No Pain? No Gain!


Carl Jung correctly stated, “Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.”
Are you trying to avoid conflict and confrontation in your marriage? Do you realize that your love relationship has a hidden purpose of healing your childhood wounds? With self awareness, conflicts with a partner will help us grow by recognizing the unresolved childhood issues. 

In order to understand each other, you have to develop clear channels of communication. In an unconscious partnership, you naively believe that your partner knows your needs. Conflict exposes needs and desires that might have been overlooked otherwise.  The gospel of John emphasizes the significance of truth when Jesus proclaims, “And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free”. Being in touch with reality can save your marriage while ensuring your development as an individual. Though we agree rationally that our partners have their own valid perceptions, we are unable to accept this truth at an emotional level. Conflict is created when we refuse to accept the fact that our partners could see the world very differently from us.
Conflict is a proof of uniqueness of each partner. One of the reasons why you feel attracted to each other is because you are drawn to his/her strengths and abilities that you lack. Evidently, being with your partner gives you an illusory sense of wholeness. In a conscious partnership, you would search within yourself, the strengths and abilities that you’re lacking. With a deliberate effort directed towards growth, you begin to develop the hidden traits within yourself.

Without any conflict, you might assume that your partner’s role in the marriage is to know all your needs magically. Conflict helps you abandon this narcissistic view and you learn to value your partner’s needs and wishes as highly as your own. Each conflict is an opportunity to learn something about ourselves. Almost all couples start therapy with a perception that their marriage would be fixed if their partner changes. Both partners expect their counterpart to feel, think and behave like them. Often, the most common conflict is that of not being seen. Each person wants to be seen and validated by their partner while they’re not willing to reciprocate the gesture.  Apparently, the feelings of neglect and rejection do not have their roots in marriage. Your therapist can help you see that the trauma of neglect and rejection existed long before your marriage. Your partner only triggers that wound into action. 

A marriage is meant to promote your growth through various hurdles and challenges.  Would you change and reform if your partner’s perspectives, emotions and behaviors were identical to yours?  Do the differences between the two of you and your partner’s refusal to change, trigger you. The next time you have a conflict with your partner, can you be curious about it and ask yourself, ‘what did he/she trigger within me?’  The changes you seek to create in your partner might be the exact changes you need to create within. We construct our lives through the choices we make. The dilemma to stay or to leave defines your future. You can either choose to grow from challenges by having a look at what’s emerging within you or you can blsme the world and stay stuck in a victim mode. 

 “Your conflicts, all the difficult things, the problematic situations in your life are not chance or haphazard. They are actually yours. They are specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else. The part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself. You are not going in the right direction unless there is something pricking you in the side, telling you, “Look here! This way!” That part of you loves you so much that it doesn’t want you to lose the chance. It will go to extreme measures to wake you up, it will make you suffer greatly if you don’t listen. What else can it do? That is its purpose.”
― A.H. Almaas

Author: Fatima Tahira

Integrative and Somatic Therapist

M.A, CI, IFS, MBACP

 

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